Most books will paint an 'ideal' of a pregnancy but they don't tell you the truth! So, here is a quick hit-list of the things you won't find out that easily:
- Your boobs will get bigger and that is great for a month or so. What you won't notice is that your bottom is also getting bigger. No-one will mention that to you. Of course, Mother Nature is clever in balancing out us women or we'd all be falling over forward for 9 months wouldn't we. Having said that, you are unlikely to notice your bottom increasing in size as your bump soon dwarfs even your new found boobs.
- Your skin and hair do all kinds of radical things. For example, your face breaks out in spots the like of which you didn't even have as a teenager and your hair suddenly looks so thick you'll think you've had a set of Jordan's extensions put in. However, the negative to this wonderful hair is the amount you will be fishing out of plugholes, off the furniture and carpets for about 6 months after the birth. That's when you'll wonder how you're not now bald!
- You will find that even the most harmless looking foods will start making you feel like you've had a night on the tiles drinking nothing but shots, followed by an extra hot Vindaloo curry. All of which makes for acid reflux the like of which you've never known. I used to get Gavison from the doctors with the instruction to take a 5ml spoonful a few times a day. What? Are you joking with me? I actually drank the stuff straight from the bottle like it was going out of fashion!
- Morning sickness. Who labelled it? A man I bet ya. Say no more.
- Piles. 'Nuff said.
- Weeping at everything. If you find you're crying your eyes out at the Andrex puppy playfully tugging on toilet roll (see 5. above), don't worry, it's normal.
- I want it NOW! Hubby better pop on his running shoes and have the car fuelled up as the urges and desires for the most random of foods can be almost overwhelming. I had about 3 weeks of oranges, which did not help with 3. above.
- Taking your blood. I swear that every hospital and doctors surgery is playing host to vampires. They must be right? Surely no-one can need that much blood, that regularly from you? Come on, you can visit weekly and almost the first thing the midwife will say is "we need some blood from you today". I am right aren't I! Let's face it, they can't need 3 whole vials in order to check your blood group! They are feeding vampires on our blood. You never see anyone who gets in the lift to the basement at the hospital come back up do you. Think about it - they throw your urine away each time because it's of no use to our blood-sucking friends.
- Sex. Are you kidding? Between 3., 4., and 5 the last thing on your mind is how to move your whale of a body into any position considered vaguely interesting where your boobs aren't leaking everywhere and that cheese sandwich you had for your lunch hasn't given you wind that could hamper a jet fighter taking off.
- Leggings. Don't! Simple. There really is no excuse for them unless you are between 10 and 15 years of age. For everyone else, they are a huge no-no. You wouldn't have worn them at any other time so why on earth do you decide they are a good look when you are the biggest you've been in your life? Just don't. End of.
Now, what was I about to do?