Legoland - More like Lego Hell!

We headed down to Legoland Windsor today for a family trip out.  Fortunately for us, I have a friend who works for the group who got us in for nothing, saving us almost £200 for 5 people.  Is it just me or is that absolutely crazy money?  Despite it not costing us to get in, I feel offended. Offended for every person there who paid that silly money and left a bad TripAdvisor review because their costly day was so very, very poor. Shouldn't Tussauds Group feel utterly ashamed of that?  Yes.  Do they? No, they don't give a fig.

We headed straight down the path to Land of the Vikings and aimed for the first ride, Vikings' River Splash. The queue here was about45 minutes and that's at 10am when the park opened.  The girls were already getting bored in the queue.  You can't really expect a 4 and 6 year old to do this length without irritation (and they weren't the only ones by a long chalk!).  Teen just put her earphones in and phased out to her music.  We finally got on the ride and it was fun. We got quite wet.  Clearly we weren't about to buy the pictures or pay £2 for the drying machine, but at least the sun was trying to shine.

We walked to Spinning Spider next where we had a 30 minute queue. One of the cars wasn't working which I felt was a poor show for a resort in the height of its season.  Got in and the girls enjoyed the ride (teen and I felt sick).  

Left and aimed for Knights Kingdom via the toilets of course.  The girls were feeling peckish and we'd decided not to bring a picnic today and just get a few nibbles. Small chips for each of us came to over £14!  I could have fallen over. I know you're a captive audience in these places but there is paying a bit more and then there is completely taking the piss Mickey (probably Mickey takes it too but at least you're in the sunshine in Florida for that)!  Chips eaten we headed for Knights Kingdom.  The queue for the little roller coaster (The Dragon) which was not exactly big time was standing at 1hr 20mins so we decided against it. We looked at the kids version (Dragon's Apprentice) but that was a 60 minute queue so not doing that either.  The girls were getting a bit despondent.  Everything they wanted to do involved a very long queue.  Kids don't understand this.  To be fair, parents get pretty fed up of it too quite quickly!  Anyway, the two youngest went on Castaway Camp but it was heaving with children and looking a bit dangerous with kids literally climbing over each other on some high equipment, so hubby walked around with them (hell, they wanted to go on something) but he soon called an end to that when they got trapped up a tower thing with bigger kids not letting them get down the ladder - he had to go up to retrieve them.  No number control anywhere here.  Other parents complaining about bigger kids pushing theirs out of the way, too many children trying to get on the equipment, etc.

The park was crazy busy.  We had one go on the Carousel as this had the shortest queue we'd seen yet of about 15 minutes.  We all enjoyed that little ride.

We then walked around to the new area called Heartlake City (well old area painted a different colour).  Four ice creams here cost my husband another obscene amount of money and they didn't even have a sodding flake!  The show was about to start so we were squeezed against railings when it started.  What was it like?  Awful!  Dreadful! Dull.  It was the 'Friends' show and was so twee I felt positively nauseous.  Even my girls wanted to leave at the first song (hooray).
Please jump - your show is awful!
While this show was on we thought we'd get a chance to go to the Submarine over at Adventure Land.  We raced up there to see the queue was 1hr 45mins. No chance.  Sad little faces about this. How about the the little boats at Coastguard HQ?  Yes!  I saw only a tiny queue and we raced in.  This was the Q-Bot queue for people who had paid up to £75 EACH to jump queues.  Who the hell has this kind of money on top of a couple of hundred pounds for entry alone?  Off we went to join the main queue with a time of 30 minutes from where we started (so said the plaque on the wall). Yes, 30 minutes IF no Q-Bot people come. An hour later we were just getting close enough to the stairway and within 10 minutes of actually boarding a sodding boat. Now, I appreciate these Q-Bot people have paid even more money than others to use this facility (they must be insane!) but to see groups of 10 or so of them get let in before you is beyond irritating.  The people running these queues (teenage kids by the look of most of them) were, quite simply, clueless.  So, over an hour later, we finally got on the boat for a 3 minute ride.  What a waste of time.

The girls wanted to see if the submarine was any better now. It was not.  It was worse.  Legoland has smoking in designated areas - no-one seemed to be taking any notice of that and there were people even having a cigarette in one queue!  
We walked to Mini Land to see the original Lego creations.  They look so tired and some of them seem to be coming apart.  It could really do with a good spruce up.  We left and faced the final middle finger that Legoland gives you - £5 to get out of the fucking car park!  Legoland had crammed so many people in, all the car parks had cars all up the pavement and grass areas.  Hey Legoland - ever thought of saying "We're full"?  No, of course not.  You'd rather have miserable children and parents who want to scream.

I've subsequently joined the throng of people putting poor reviews up on TripAdvisor.  I agree with them all. It's simply awful.  Would I ever go back?  No, not even for free.


  1. Awful place! Used to be quite good (albeit expensive) but now it's beyond dreadful. Seems they don't care either judging by all the tripadvisor reviews slating it. Glad at least it didn't cost you anything.

  2. Just saw your Tweet about Merlin. You are so right. Bunch of money-grabbing bastards who don't give two s**ts about customer service. Just want to rip us off. I hope NOONE goes on the Smiler ever again. Those poor people - again, shocking how long they had to wait!


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